


Blame the Hands

by Astoria Thalassa (astoria_thalassa)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: C-Sec, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 12:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3209132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astoria_thalassa/pseuds/Astoria%20Thalassa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unwrapping candy at the bar when flirting. Garrus didn't get it. Why did it make people act weird?</p><p>And why everybody was looking at him funny? He just unclasped a bracelet, for the spirits' sake!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blame the Hands

**Author's Note:**

> De-anoning from the **Mass Effect K-meme**.
> 
> [Prompt](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/8276.html?thread=39986516#t39986516):
> 
> _So, you know how some people with talented tongues can tie a cherry stem into a knot or unwrap a starburst candy in their mouths? And this is a skill that is often displayed while slightly intoxicated and or while seriously flirting with some one?_
> 
> _My prompt is this, what is the reaction of a turian to seeing xthis? Humans only really find this sexy because of kissing and oral sex, and fannon seems to think that that is kinky sex for turians or something not often done unless you really trust your partner due to teeth. Is there some ribbing about not getting what is so hot about being able to tie a knot in your mouth? How dexterous are turian tongues?_
> 
> Edited for cleanliness.
> 
> Hope you guys like it as well!
> 
>  **Originally published on:** 29/06/2014 (FFNet)

The first time he saw it, he was working in C-Sec. One of his—very few, admittedly—human colleagues was flirting with a somewhat cute older human woman. They had a few drinks and the brat had his arms around her shoulder.

His had been a dry night, and there wasn’t anything more entertaining to do than to watch them.

‘Oh, is not every day someone like you hangs out with someone like me, sweetheart ’.

‘Call me a connoisseur’, and he had this big, stupid grin on his face. ‘I have to agree, though, I don ’t usually go for _older_ women’.

‘I’m sure there are certain advantages’, and she leant closer.

’Yeah, experience for one’.

‘Please, what do you take me for, a grandma?’

Poor guy panicked and tried to back-track. The alcohol wasn’t doing him any favors.

‘Well, if all grandmas looked like you, everybody would visit . . . Oh, just forget that’.

That guy was so awkward. Kind of familiar.

‘I was talking more about being . . . adventurous . . . ’

She tilted her head back, in what he supposed was a charming way for humans, and popped a wrapped candy in her mouth from the bowl nearby of refreshener mints. Her cheeks bulged one side at a time, then she took the wrapping out of her mouth, half-smiling sultrily.

The poor guy almost went cross-eyed. They left quite quickly after that.

He just didn’t understand.

  


* * *

  


The second time he saw it, he was already on the Normandy. They were at Chora’s Den, relaxing for a change while Shepard went to bug the Council. Giggling asari maidens, clearly looking forward to get laid and eyeing all the customers—them included—were at their sides fast-talking between themselves. Because it was more politics, due to the fact they stepped on Noveria’s toes (spirits, that Udina could be annoying) than evidence, Shepard didn’t feel the need to drag along anyone but Kaidan and Ashley.

It probably was better for everyone involved—but Kaidan and Ahsley, of course.

‘Pass along another ryncol!’, demanded Wrex, stamping his glass on the bar. When he had his new drink in hand, he continued, ‘Garrus’.

‘Wrex. You probably shouldn’t be drinking so much’.

‘Or what? I’m too old to get buzzed by ryncol. I don’t have two puny turian livers, I have a strong krogan one’.

‘Please, I can hold my liq—wait, _a strong krogan one_?’

‘My life hasn’t been exactly uneventful’. He beckoned the human bartender to bring some levo snacks and started eating.

‘Right. The big bad krogan has an uneventful life so of course he only has one liver. My bad’.

‘Nothing like now! Chasing monstrosities across the galaxy, while defeating the enemies of my ancestors, now _that’s_ a good life!’

‘You are just happy you got to kill rachni’.

And . . . it happened.

Krogan mouths weren’t built to nibble on big things, like the . . . flat, big round breads Wrex was munching with dip, especially if a buzzed krogan was eating. They were for chewing and triturating very thouroughly—Tuchanka’s idea for a prey species was one with very intimidating teeth.

Some of the dip had gotten on the tip of his . . . muzzle, maybe? And Wrex proved he was an anomaly amongst krogans on yet another level by being one of the few able to lick himself clean.

‘Wow, erm . . . Hey, mister’, the asari at Wrex’s side immediately leant over so her shapely funny bumps were on display through the window on her dress. ‘Would you like to have a few drinks with me?’

Wrex side-glanced at the blushing, yellow-eyed maiden, very annoyed, directly at her eyes. Eyes which couldn't seem to leave his mouth.

‘Not my type’.

‘Come on, at least consider it, mister!’

‘Yes, Wrex, come on. Not every day an ancient guy gets pretty ladies swooning; they usually try to keep him at bay’.

‘I consider myself speciesist. My type is yellow-skinned, humped, and probably with an empty clutch’.

The poor girl went extremely purple, and stammered apologies and hurried to the opposite site of the bar, while Wrex muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: ‘damn maidens, only have sex in their brains, how do the asari manage anything?’.

Garrus blinked, and downed his drink.

What the hell did just happen?

  


* * *

  


The third time it happened, there was a full-fledged Reaper War.

Everybody had more than a few drinks that was good for them, and Samantha didn’t exactly have her fine-motor-coordination anymore. She was kind of a light-weight. He knew, because it was easy to count the number of drinks when he was seated right beside her. Shepard already had lost her life-savings, and was standing, looking over at them amused, besides Liara and Diana, chatting amiably with them. (She hadn’t quite gotten over Kaidan, yet).

Mordin was even enjoying being taught how to play poker. ‘A bit of stress relief. Good for mind. Then work even harder, with more efficiency!’, he had said when Samantha was able to drag him out of his lab for a minute, since there weren’t any looming crises for the time being. It was a welcome change from his match-making attempts: he seemed to be the old scientist’s current source of amusement.

He wasn’t playing, and not because he didn’t know. He picked it up on C-Sec, since humans were almost intimidatingly social, and, despite his protests, he had to learn eventually. No, it was because poker chips were frustratingly difficult to pick up with turian hands, especially gloved, and humans didn’t appreciate them being picked up any other way. With his talons out he had an easier time, but nobody, not even turians, appreciated having something that was best classified as ‘weapon’ out there in the open in a friendly gathering—being a hand-to-hand combat specialist, he kept his talons very, very sharp.

He was standing at Tali’s side. Spirits, he loved her. Even if she went a bit batty when drunk.

‘Yes! I cleared the house! _¡Soy el mejor!_ ’ Vega said when he threw his beefy arms over the table, and dragged the chips to his side.

‘Interesting. Thought you were bluffing’.

Tali grumbled under her breath, and sucked on her . . . emergency induction port some more, and leant on him, after fidgeting a bit again. He threw an arm over her shoulders.

‘No, Mordin’, Steve smiled, ‘he was just making us think he was bluffing so we would lower our guards and he could rob us blind. Which is why I didn’t put down ’.

‘How _diablos_ did you know that!’

‘You have your tells’.

‘I see. Ah, will do better next time. Game based on obfuscation and manipulation. Very sneaky’. Mordin cracked a smirk. ‘Used to wonder why nobody trusts . . . humans’.

‘Hey! Nobody is bringing up whatever salarians get up to in their labs’, Ashley sniped playfully. No doubt remembering her own former short-comings.

‘Aw, man, I don’t have more money to bet on this round!’, Samantha sighed. ‘I’ll just put down this’. She held up her hand, and there was a very fine silver bracelet on her wrist. She couldn't unclasp it.

There was a certain glint in Tali's bright eyes.

‘I reckon this will be worth a thousand credits, tops’.

‘Shouldn’t you keep it, Samantha? It looks very nice’.

‘At the minute it is worthless. We don’t even know if we’ll get out of this one’.

She let out a frustrated grunt.

‘Samantha’, Tali drawled, ‘why don’t you let the big turian gentleman at my side help you? He would love to’.

She giggled some more.

‘It wouldn’t be a problem at all’, and he arranged his face into an acceptable impersonation of a reassuring human grin.

‘Yes, sure; why not?’, but she eyed doubtfully his big, gloved hands.

She handed her wrist over. He raised her wrist until it was at the same level the start of the collar in his casuals were, so Specialist Traynor was almost falling over his lap. Tali started to laugh hysterically. He put down his turian brew and quickly looked at the clasp. His thumbs and indexes raised slightly the bracelet; that way he would have room to fiddle when he undid it.

‘Is this clean?’ He swore every other species, save salarians, weren't as clean as they should.

‘What! How is this— **of course it’s clean** , you . . . You!’ Right. Allergic. She ran on cleanliness by virtue of necessity. He forgot. He was tempted to cock his head in embarrassment, but didn’t. He just glanced at the bracelet.

Then he opened his mouth and unclasped it very fast.

‘There you go, Samantha. I don’t understand why you humans seem to want to complicate things for yourselves’.

Samantha was looking at him bug-eyed

Steve had a sharp intake of breath.

Liara had a very big blush on her face.

Vega and Shepard wolf-whistled.

Ashley had actually dropped her drink.

Allers and Mordin just blinked.

‘Tali, you lucky girl!’, she hooted. 'That’s awesome! What I wouldn’t give for something like that!’

‘Damn', Shepard crossed her arms, thoughtfully. ‘And I already thought Garrus was hot. You didn’t even tilt your head’.

‘I know’, Tali purred. ‘It seemed like the perfect time to educate everyone’.

‘Had I known this, I would have left my issues with aliens a long time ago’. Ashley poured herself something that looked like radioactive poison.

‘Quarians have known the good life for centuries’.

‘Strange humans didn’t know. Isn’t exactly a secret’.

‘What’s the big deal?’, honestly, it all seemed a bit silly.

‘Well, I didn't either!’, protested Liara.

‘And why would you even need a tongue like that?’

‘Yes, why would you even _need_ an asset like that?’ Shepard waggled her eyebrows.

‘I did not need the mental image, Lola! I thought turians weren’t into oral’.

‘We aren’t, actually’. Everybody was taken aback when he opened his mandibles and mouth, making him look very menacing. ‘Too many teeth. We have to really trust the other turian. We do tongues everywhere a lot, though’.

‘I need to get me a turian lady’, Samantha stated with a greedy expression on her face. Allers eyed him intently.

‘I knew from my job, you eventually come across it, but it kind of makes you wonder where do they come from’.

‘Fascinating bit of evolutionary history, actually. Turians evolved from quadruped predators. Most efficient form of attack was to rip plates off preys with sharp talons in packs while standing, eventually leading to bipedalism. Hands flexible and dexterous, but sizable, some tasks . . . difficult with talons in the way. Long, rough tongue evolved for grooming’.

‘Like cats’.

‘Domestic earth mammal. Appropriate comparison, Shepard’, replied Mordin.

‘Indeed. Can I say I just love the comparison to your feline overlords?', Garrus smirked. The doctor blinked, but plowed ahead.

‘Yes, like cats. When turians developed civilisation, tongues did fine tasks. Turian tongues strong, extremely “handy”, don’t “salivate”. Instead, protective coat that can be scraped against mandibles to eliminate contaminants. Lingual papillae further back the tongue than normal for sapients to prevent . . . unpleasantness’. Garrus felt his neck grow hot, since he knew where this conversation was headed. It was probably true. Vega looked flabbergasted.

‘I . . . Does he always talk like that? I didn’t understand a thing, Lola. I feel like a _cabeza hueca_ ’.

‘That’s Mordin for you. But he means—’, and Shepard was cut off by Tali standing up triumphantly and unsteadily on her feet.

‘It means turian hands are to blame for the best damn cunnilingus in the galaxy!’

Perhaps he did get it now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone liked it :) It is my first ME fanfic, so I would like to know if everybody was IC!
> 
> When I read the prompt, it just came to me, and I knew I couldn't not do it. I mean, this isn't the first time I have come up with evolutionary bullshit explanations for something. I need to justificate the time I'm spending studying, after all.
> 
> Forgive the spelling; please let me know if it was well-written! English is not my native language.
> 
> If you leave comments you shall get a PM!
> 
> R&R!


End file.
